Still Here 004

Beloved,

July felt like an oven. Every walk outside felt like cooking. My skin has the oddest tan lines. The sun beat down as it walked on Earth. The air became thick, eventually hazardous. I didn't go out then. When I traveled to New York, I could taste the smoke on my tongue, and I swallowed residues of smoke from afar. It felt… smothering.

But not all of July's heat came from the sky.

Moments of want. Of holding vulnerability back until it curdled into misunderstanding. Heat in the chest sends signals to the brain to just step back. Desiring closeness, warmth. Being left out in the cold for so long, a little bit of flame feels dangerous. Having to relearn how to be in the fire of love, like indifference, and more.

Misunderstanding, passion, pain, ego all heated this month. From work to friendships, even my love life caught fire this month.

And then there were the flames I wasn't necessarily fanning.

I collected the kindling. I built the fire, passively. I didn't expect it to catch on so quickly. I collected small sticks, crumbled paper I had from worthless prints. I lit a match and set the fire. I walked away and continued collecting what I knew the fire needed. Upon my return, the fire had grown larger than I expected.

But underneath everything that caught and climbed this month, my body kept its own fire.

My body was maintaining itself in an environment worse for those of us immunocompromised. My belly bloated and flared. Attempted to absorb, alleviate, rest, digest. I'm due for tests. Bone scans, blood draws, scopes, and more. I am reminded that the fire burns in front of someone who knows the fire's interior. How it damages, destroys, poisons. I stand bravely, yes, but humble to its violence.

Yet still. Still here, still forging.

Heat expands things. January is gone. April came and went. This is what heat does. It ferments what needs slow transformation and combusts what is ready to rise. I am doing both this month. Healing slowly in the belly, catching fire everywhere else.

Still here means remaining in the spirit of transformation. The willingness to let things burn down. The consciousness of what smoke does to a body, to an environment. The sustaining of life anyway.

Whatever you're in the heat of this summer, you're still here too. Still capable of holding more than you thought.

With love,

adria

---